Jokes
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Always give 100% at work.......
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
Wife: I wish I was a newspaper, So I'd be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one
everyday.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper, So I could have a new one
everyday.
Q: Why doesn't jesus like to eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
How many letters are there in the English alphabet?
18 letters! 3 in "the", 7 in "English", and 8 in "alphabet".
18 letters! 3 in "the", 7 in "English", and 8 in "alphabet".
Why did the boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries were dead.
Because the batteries were dead.
Why is the letter "T" like an island?
Because it is in the middle of waTer!
Because it is in the middle of waTer!
What is the longest word in the English language?
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
"Smiles". Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
What starts with "P", ends with "E", and has millions of letters?
The "Post Office"!
The "Post Office"!
What word begins with "e", ends with "e", and has one letter?
Envelope!
Envelope!
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no-body to go with!
Because he had no-body to go with!
What did the traffic lights say to the car?
Don't look now. I'm changing!
Don't look now. I'm changing!
I have 12 legs, 12 arms and 8 heads. What am I?
A liar!
A liar!
What's worse than finding a maggot in an apple?
Finding half a maggot!
Finding half a maggot!
Which bus crossed the ocean?
Columbus!
Columbus!
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
A: A blackboard.
Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
A: Nothing, it just waved!
Why shouldn't you put the letter "M" into the refrigerator?
Because it turns ice into mice!
Because it turns ice into mice!
An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Boy: My mother and father are in the steel and iron business.
My father steals, and my mother irons.
My father steals, and my mother irons.
Why are Saturday and Sunday strong days?
Because they are not weekdays!
Because they are not weekdays!
Man: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."
God: "So you would love her."
Man: "But God, why did you make her so dumb?"
God: "So she would love you."
A: Shall I tell you a secret about butter?
B: You'd better not. I might spread it.
B: You'd better not. I might spread it.
What cheese is made backwards?
edam
edam
What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge?
Close the door please. I'm dressing.
Close the door please. I'm dressing.
What's round and dangerous?
A vicious circle!
A vicious circle!
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
TEACHER: Rudolph, describe a synonym.
PUPIL: A word you use when you can't spell the other word.
PUPIL: A word you use when you can't spell the other word.
How is an English teacher like a judge?
They both hand out sentences.
They both hand out sentences.
Can you tell me one word that contains all six vowels?
Unquestionably.
Unquestionably.
What letter does a sailor love?
The C.
The C.
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
A: Y. (why)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
A: A piano.
Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
A: A carrot